Chef Midd helps you plan the menu for your own cycling adventures. As with many things in life its a question of balance - you're going to be generating a terrible hunger but the more food you carry the heavier the bike will be and the hungrier you will become. Oh, and the more likely it is that your bike will fall apart. As with most things that are a question of careful balance Chef Midd has been a spectacular failure, which may be why his bike is now held together by wire and tape. Never mind, perhaps you can learn from his mistakes - there are plenty to chose from. Whatever happens, don't forget to pack the porridge...
Captain Beaky from Belsize Park asks: "I'm running a bit late for a life changing cycling adventure through South America and, having given my pals a three month head start, I'm going to have to go pretty quick to catch them up. What sort of equipment do I need to and can I buy it at Heathrow Terminal 4"?
Hola Captain Beaky! An easy one to start with this. The stove first: We use an MSR Whisperlight which has the advantage of burning just about anything, always starting and looking quite cool. There are some downsides. It always works because it is actually designed for use on a windy day on K2 and so, down at sea level, it burns gas at the same volume and temperature as a space shuttle on take-off. Thus cookery is a less than relaxing affair. The two available temperatures are 'off' or 'surface of the sun'. Anything resembling a simmer can be ruled out and all foodstuffs will be ready to eat after 30 seconds of cooking. The temperature can be varied by holding the pan further away from the jet, but this is a bit impractical when your pan handle is as effective a conductor of heat as ours. The only alternative is to stir the contents really fast. As regards cutlery and crockery it is essential to cut down on weight - one spoon, one small sharp knife, one fork, one plastic plate and one multi-purpose mug is all you are allowed. Making your life a misery by carrying only these items frees up space in your panniers for more essential items. Now when you can't decide between the Merlot and the Tempranillo you can take both bottles, throw in a Malbec to boot and crack your bike racks with the weight that way. Genius. I don't think much of this will be available in Heathrow Captain but please pick me up a Toblerone.
Colonel Montgoomeny writes from somewhere in Patagonia to ask: "It's six in the morning and I'm just about to set off pedaling up a mountain, round a glacier, through a gale and the such. Got a breakfast recipe Chef Midd"?
Another easy one! Cycling breakfasts couldn't be much easier Col. Montgoomeny as they all, without any exception ever, are based on porridge. A word on porridge - don't compromise on quality Colonel. For many people The Quakers is just a nickname for Darlington Football Club but their other important contribution to society is the perfect oat and we're all converts down here where, for once, the Quakers sit at the top of the table. So for a morning such as the one you're about to face I recommend: A litre of porridge, into which should be mixed 4 tbs honey, 4 tbs dulce de leche, 4 tbs jam, 1 fistful of dried bananas, 1 mug of sugar and half a mug of salt. Chase it down with two mugs of very strong and sweet black coffee and get on the bike immediately before the shaking becomes too violent. This way your pulse rate should be in the mid hundreds before you've even started up that mountain and not only will you not need to eat for the next 100 KM you probably won't be able to blink either.
Gerry Adam's Beard writes from somewhere in Neuquén to ask: "At the back end of last year my owner went for a boozy night out with his pals in Belfast whence some joker shaved me off and stuck me on the face of a passing youth, a certain A. Montgomery. As if this wasn't bad enough this clown then took off to South America where he now abuses me on a daily basis: In the morning I am smeared with porridge, in the evening by pasta sauce and between times I'm coated in jam and promptly set upon by horseflies. There's rice in here from Tierra del Fuego and we're halfway to Bolivia! Also, and I don't mean to be sensitive, but party to this assault is a man who is very orange... Chef Midd, is this a sectarian issue?
I thought I recognised you! Fear not, this is perfectly 'normal' behavior as A. Montgomery is a cyclist. After days spent biking up and down mountains and nights being kicked by his brother in a tent the size of a shoe box it's a miracle he can coordinate hand movement to get food near his head, let alone his mouth. Look at the positives - you store nutrients he can consume throughout the day simply by licking his lips, you filter out foreign bodies from soups and are a mobile ecosystem all of your own. His friend isn't orange but Strawberry Blonde and some people find it quite attractive. We can all come to the dinner table together and follow the roadmap to, erm, Venezuela.
Colonel Montgoomeny writes from somewhere in Chile to complain: "Chef Midd, why am I always last to finish my spaghetti and thus last to the biscuits? Is there anything I can do about it"?
I'm afraid not Colonel, it's historical geography at work. To explain: At the height of the Roman Empire Emperor Hadrian set out from his hometown of Sevilla to find land and people of comparable beauty. This he finally discovered in Teesside and, seeing things were going downhill rapidly by the time he reached what is now called Newcastle, he drew a line on territorial expansion, built a wall and called it a day. So, the Italian knowledge of how to use a spoon and fork to eat spaghetti never made it to your homeland of Northern Ireland. Your friend who is annihilating you on a daily basis in the speed eating stakes is simply more civilized being, as he is, from Adriano's 'Sevilla of the north' (Middlesbrough). Civilization might not be apparent given we're talking about eating 300 grams of pasta in under 4 minutes but it is so. Stick to Alphabeti Spaghetti in future, you'll probably have enough left on your plate to spell out 'Save me some pudding' while your pal's already on to the pealed grapes.
Marcus Sanderson writes from the northern outpost of civilization to ask: "Chef Midd, I'm also from Middlesbrough! Would I enjoy a cycling adventure in South America"?
Sandy?! Afraid not, no. There are no 'parmos' down here. I repeat: No PARMOS!!
Dr. A. Nosequé - Medaigual writes from a learned place to tell us: "Chef Midd, you and your pals were a disgrace. For thousands of miles the basis of your diet was Nestle chocolate, a disgusting 750 grams a day. Lining the pockets of this evil multinational was hardly the road to a post capitalist economy was it? A least you stopped this filthy habit at Puerto Montt you imbeciles. Well done for realizing the errors of your ways.
Crikey Dr. A. Nosequé, we only stopped cos it started melting north of this latitude. Col, do we still have the Nescafe? Chuck it out quick! Can we keep the Nestle powdered milk? It's the only sort we can get to dissolve... I'm feeling a bit unworthy and confused... Next question!
The Buntys from Battersea ask: "We are scientists Chef Midd and want to know if any technological advances have been made on your trip with regard to cookery"?
Phew, hello the Buntys. This is a yes! In the 1840s Charles Goodyear discovered the process of vulcanizing rubber. In December 2007 Chef Montgomery extended the process to Asparagus Soup. This discovery has many uses. Soup can now be carried in one's pocket, used to repair cracked tires and, in one of those accidents that mark the progress of science, when spilt it acts as a sealant for tent groundsheets, impervious to temperature changes. When he finds the right shaped pan he's going to make the worlds first asparagus bike tire.
British Customs ask: "Chef Midd, nearly all professional cyclists take interesting dietary supplements that send their red blood cell count strangely high. Do you use such supplements in your cooking"?
Dear sirs, absolutely not. If you can't get by on porridge what's the point? If the red blood cells still need a bit of a charge we recommend an evening eating only morcilla while reading some D.H. Lawrence, but it's not very scientific.
Colonel Montgoomey writes from the Fitz Roy Base Camp: "Chef Midd, something terrible or hilarious has just happened at breakfast and I need your advice fast. Let me paint the picture: I'm in a tent below the west face of Mount Fitz Roy in the Andes. It is tanking it down outside and has been all night. It is also blowing a gale and freezing. My idiot mate got up at dawn and, regardless of the conditions and the fact he only has a pair of plimsols for footwear, set off up the mountain for 'a view'. I think he gets it from his father. Anyway, he got back about 15 minutes ago defeated, drenched and desolate after 2 hours sitting under a rock in a cloud. To cheer himself up he started the porridge but, given there are penguins being washed past outside, he had to try and do it inside the porch of the tent. Predictably enough, just as it was ready, the biffer sent the whole lot over with his boot. The other climbers in the campsite were woken by some pretty choice Spanish and the stove went for a journey on its own out of the door. This was funny enough but, after stomping out, retrieving the stove and putting it all back together better was to come. To minimize time balancing the pan on the stove he made the porridge mix first this time, using the last of our water and food in the process. After going through this process he started to heat it up, only for the stove to immediately run out of fuel. He is now stirring the cold mix round and round in silence and I think he might be crying. It sits before him, an essay for a canceled supervision, a 48 slide Powerpoint presentation for a project that never got funding, a love letter to a girl who dumped you by email before you made it to the post box. I don't think he wants to ask anyone else around here for spare fuel cos they're all serious climbers and he's dressed like a cyclist from the 1970s. Chef Midd, my question is... Would this be a good time to 'do his head in' with some smart remark?
No. This man is obviously on the edge of some sort of breakdown and... hold on... this is all a bit familiar Colonel Montgoomeny...
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